uuuuhhhhh Hello Everyone T_T ... I'm alive, I swear! (well, if you see me on twitter I guess you already knew that).
CW: death, depressing life shit
I was waiting to update my site blogs until I was feeling better, but that never really happened. After spending over a year straight being my grandmoms home-care help 24/7, I got used to having no schedule of my own. I had to drop most of my long-term plans for work and projects. I was too worried about everything to sit in a call with friends and relax. Everything was happening at MAX and I just numbed myself to it, waiting for things to settle down. My grandma passed just after my birthday this year. She was basically my mom, but never really /was/ my mom, if that makes sense? She was always occupied with taking care of my actual mom, who is more of a sister than my mom. Getting over the resentment and having to shove it all down was exhausting. It was also completely worth it, and I'm so glad I was able to make my grandma's final months as comfortable and happy as possible.
On the flip side, it took me until now to start doing my fucking responsibilities with any actual like... PLANNING??? I am a fucking mess but way less than I was a couple months ago. I know I'll be fine- I just have to cut the shit out of my mind where I'm waiting for 'the right time' to post- when that never is a thing.
I was chugging along for the sake of it, without any real thought of what I want or who I am or where I'm going. One of my longest friendships ended with my trust shattered in front of me, and I was still stepping on glass shards. I couldn't bring myself to post or even talk to people who wanted to reach out and make sure I was ok. I am always endlessly thankful for that and I want anyone who did reach out to know that.
Overall, things have been getting easier. I still have so much to do that I have no idea how to even start- some of it personal, most of it paralyzing. Instead of staying at the bottom of the pit, I decided to open my eyes again and trust there are always people there to offer help back out of it. I struggled to believe that more than ever the last year. So.......... because I got up and sat back down half way through writing this, I lost my train of thought. I just wanted to end the long wall of silence on this page and move things forward. I will not let myself quit!! Thank you to everyone who cares enough to read, or even enjoy an art or two. I'm a quiet little creep, but I SEE YOU. YES. YOU. THANK U
Woof, my aching everything.
I had another one of those 'birthdays' yesterday, and it was a totally average day! So, fine by me! I have a pretty long bad-birthday record and I never shut up about it for at least a week.
I also like to do Absolutely Nothing for a week, but I only sorta-kinda did that this year lol.
Me and Deetz had to take our 3 kitties out of the house for the morning while some CHOICE MOLD was cleaned out of the vents. They were... pretty bad! The drywall was even starting to crumble around a couple of them.
The last few times I've had to hire someone to do repairs for something have been GREAT, and its because I've been picking local businesses any time i can. Every time I've had to deal with a company, well, what am I talking about? You already know! You're alive right now!!!! I just like having a blog to rant in!!!!
Anyway uhhhh I have been dealing with a lot of self-reflection the last month, too. Sorta coming to terms with what is most probably going to be late-diagnonsed ASD- one of my close relatives also got diagnosed real recently, and, well, it's been super duper stressful slowly picking through my childhood and even recent memories with this new perspective. My brain was racing over it for like a week solid, and I've just been ....... thinking about it alot, despite trying not to. I've spent most nights trying to focus on the present day rather than being resentful about how it was overlooked for so long, when now it seems so obvious that I was an adorable little autistic motherfucker.
So...... just a huge deal for my brain to re-process it I guess. I'm working a good amount, but I keep falling down rabbit-holes when I remember 'That One Time When' and unlocking a new achievement in my brain: 'Oh, Now I Know Why Im Like This'. My social meter was already pretty pathetic, but lately I wake up at like 15% ready for the day. U_U;
But that being said, I had a very cute time with everyone on the discord server VC the other night! I abandoned the chat to eat some leftover chicken for like 20 minutes so uh sorry about that. (Not really though, it was delicious).
I'm a little behind because of ALL THE THINGS I wrote about, but I'm close to having the MONTHLY PATRON ART done! I should have it set in a day or so. But then its RIGHT BACK TO COMMISSIONS because I never like to keep anyone waiting too long! T_T;; (And golly, I sure have been doing that alot lately...)
I keep losing time to CODING because holy shit I forgot how long it takes to do things. Like.. make a website. haha...
I MISSED MAKING WEBSITES AND LOOKING AT OTHER PEOPLES WEBSITES SO MUCH!!!!!!! AAAAAH!!!!
I was always too intimidated in highschool once I got into the more serious computer programming classes, being such uh.. it was always a bit of a boys club, you could say? (Also it was like 2008 and being sexually harrassed was still the punch-line to most jokes)
I haven't really touched it since then,(mostly because art took over my life lmao) but its been super helpful to keep my mind off of things when I need to relax. I usually spend all that time drawing/working, but ... I'm just so fucking tired rn x_x; I JUST WANNA MAKE WEBSITES!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway keep ur EYES PEELED bc all that coding is still going to good use! I'm currently working on like 200 things because I have a PROBLEM, but one of them is to make this site more mobile-friendly.
I'll be updating hopefully very soon!!!
Heys Babez and Babettez, its ya babe Cavi here laying a sick Update on you. The update is NOT MUCH tbh! Which is a relief. I'm tired of things going on. Make things slow the fuck down!!! Please!!!! U_U;
I'm slowly working on updating this site, but I've had lots of things come up in the last month that take up all of my time. I'm in a pretty good spot mentally for the first time in a while, so stuff hasn't seemed so bad. Aside from being reclusive and crabby, I'm ... fine? I think? I have something 'come up' just about every time I try to work on being less of a hermit, but at the very least, commissions on the reg. have helped keep my, er, 'social stamina' more steady.
Where was I? .. oh, the webiste. Updates. Yeah- I'm trying to beef up the Patreon/Discord since I'm able to dedicate time to it again! I have no big comic in the works right now, so I just want to find out what projects I should put my energy into. I have a few projects that I'll talk about at length pretty soon, so look forward to THAT??(optional, you dont have to look forward to that if you dont want to)
Until then, I'm finishing up a little Valentimes Comic- 3 pages of Joy-Stick content that'll be up for everyone this month! I'll (hopefully) have a section up on the site for comics by then. I'm way more enthusiastic about updating my stuff when it's my website. None of that algorith bullshit. This is the CAVI website for CAVI THINGS. Scroll and just get MORE OF MY SHIT. ITS JUST ME, BABEZ!!!!!!!! ^_~ ~!
I took some extra time to polish the sludge out of my brain and finished my website!!! weeeeooo!!! I wanted to keep all of my stuff in one place, so IT'S HERE! THATS WHAT THIS IS! I'll be working on updating the image gallery when I can, as well as the Artwork + Comic Galleries.
...and... if you have any weird issues with the site, I probably fucked it up and forgot about it. I'll figure it out eventually.